The solution is that we behave civilly and respectfully to each other.

Is it an achievable solution? Because I have no idea how we could make that happen.

It’s fine to not have an opinion. It’s even fine to have an opinion and keep it to yourself. No-one has the right to an argument with you, after all.

My wife, a keen gardener of heirloom tomatoes, says it’s because the varieties that sell commercially are bred for long shelf-life and nothing else.

I’ve started a fire in the kitchen. Not by messing up, but by using a toaster built in the 1950s and designed to toast bread as a secondary function to killing you. It was thirty seconds of horror, and then things were okay. The toast was in the sink under a stream of water and the toaster was unplugged.

It’s important to realise that even if a fear comes true, things will be okay. Get a kitchen-suitable fire extinguisher. Learn to use it. Don’t use death as an ingredient like I did. Understand that even if things go wrong, you’ll fix it. Your ability to deal with shit is bigger than the shit you have to deal with.

When people let their phones ring endlessly. For God’s sake - either answer it or mute it, don’t just ignore it!

Especially when I have socks on.

Living dangerously there, aincha?

Last week I moved the cheesegrater so I could look behind it… for the cheesegrater.

Well, I shoot myself in the head a lot. It’s a habit I’m trying to – whoops! There I go again.

I had no idea it was such a mystery why wet dogs shake themselves dry.

What do you think of me eating the last of the chocolate when my SO used the last of the milk?

I certainly did. Rarely managed to get more than 5 - 6 hours sleep, spent half my time in an exhausted daze.

Get killed in the background of Attack of the Clones like everyone else!

I’ve been downvoted by someone who wants to have sex with their time-clone! Or possibly a kinky Lower Cretaceous butterfly.

Well, I imagine rule 3 of time travel will apply.

• Don’t change the outcome of WWII.
• Don’t kill your grandfather.
• Don’t have sex with your self from another point in your personal timeline.
• Don’t add yourself into background scenes on the Death Star in Star Wars.
• Don’t step on butterflies in the Lower Cretaceous period.

Isn’t it about five years too late to be asking this question?

About an hour. New Zealand. Things weren’t well-organised that day.

By changing the global standard.

Ever get the sense that just maybe, someone out there past the boundaries of the only nation that exists, probably fictional, certainly not worth having on your Christmas card list, might have figured out a different way to do things?

I wish we could be as certain about ‘read’.

Last week I texted my wife “I desire chicken” and Autocorrect tried to change it to "I desire children. I don’t, Autocorrect. In either sense! What sick game are you playing…?