May your Tupperware and zip locks never fully close, click, snap or seal.

May mosquitos find your skin the rarest of delicacies while rendering others around you uninteresting to feed from.

May your front teeth be magnetic to food particles that are extra adhesive so you almost always have food stuck between your teeth.

May your tires always look deflated to others despite being full so you are constantly pointed at on the freeway and stoplights by other drivers.

May you compulsively jig any time you hear any music for a minimum for 30 seconds.

May you be unable to type so you are forced to handwrite everything. May you work for the IRS who accommodates your technological disability.

May people never find anything you say funny but they always give you halfhearted courtesy laughs.

May any TV channel or streaming station have no content other than Con Air on loop.

May you always get birthday cards, invitations and presents at least a month off from your real day.

May all your furniture squeak incessantly.